HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down