doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.