Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.