GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.