Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.