Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.