With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?