HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?