[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
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How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.