me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
British people be like I’m Bri ish
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
oh u like geography? name every lake