guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset