nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned