me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero