genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
wtf is an acronym
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent