CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on