bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what