Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say