me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace