mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?