“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.