Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE