Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.