I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.