Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
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🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.