Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
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Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Breaking news:
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer