I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
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humans only use 10% of their treadmills
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
me after drinking all the wine:
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.