Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
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My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
…..pretty much.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?