Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
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we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I like long walks away from everyone
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Death certificates are our last participation award.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Sticker placement is key.