[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank