Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.