I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.