If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.