servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom