me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door