@coolauntV
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
@coolauntV
@coolauntV
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
@coolauntV
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
@coolauntV
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
@coolauntV
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
@coolauntV
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
@coolauntV
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
@coolauntV
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
@coolauntV
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
@coolauntV
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door