@coolauntV

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

@coolauntV

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

@coolauntV

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

@coolauntV

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

@coolauntV

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

@coolauntV

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

@coolauntV

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

@coolauntV

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

@coolauntV

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

@coolauntV

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door