Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
You Might Also Like
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Not all heroes wear capes.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
meanwhile over on facebook