*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
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Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My dream job is getting paid to dream
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.