Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying