my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel