my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 馃槈
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]