[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you