Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
#dalle2
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
welcome back
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her