Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Lucky for them, they’re cute