love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
good let them take over I have had enough
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
first you must answer his riddles
who will stop them
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans