A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
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“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
me when the borders lift
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what