What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me