Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Has science gone too far?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??