If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff