What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out