A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol