I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible