[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me