why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[shakes fist at other fist]
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.