@craiguito

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

@craiguito

My neighbour wasn’t in when her wedding dress was delivered. She called to ask me if I would take it in for her, so I did and now she’s mad because I made it too tight.

@craiguito

“How about a beautifully elegant giant psychopath duck?”
– inventor of the swan

@craiguito

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

@craiguito

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

@craiguito

“Run, run, as fast as you can,
You can’t catch me, I’m the…”

@craiguito

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

@craiguito

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

@craiguito

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming