People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
Here to help
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific